Sunday, January 31, 2010

I got an Update I got an Update

I love when i get my updates.. this time it was a short email that The Allens finally updated their blog after a year, but it's ok they had their hands full with Evie and her new baby brother on his way.. their blog is .. here are a few i saved.. she is so big.. today as i was sitting in primary i was realizing that miss evie is in nursery now but end of next year she will be a sunbeam, man time has gone by so fast, its crazy... this first picture is my favorite and the 2nd one i love her eyelashes and they are super long liek mine... she is sooo big and very adorable.

 she was finger painting, mostly eating it...

Saturday, January 30, 2010

15 month ago....

15 months ago:

i was in the hospital wiht miss evie who was only 2 days old
spending as much time as i could with her,
changing her diapers
feeding her
napping together
having visitors
preparing for my goodbye
deciding if this was really the best thing for her,
that night changing my mind, i was going to keep her, i couldnt bear the pain of letting someone go that i love so much,
prayed to my Heavenly Father for guidance and reassurance this was the best choice, stayed up all night holding her praying, finally getting confirmation this was the best decision for my little angel. i had to do what was best for her, not for me.. she deserved so much more than i could give,
as i held my angel, my blessing, a gift from God in my arms I knew without a shadow of doubt at that moment at 3am this was her family and she was meant for them,

now she has an amazing family,
she is a true daddys girl, my dream come true,
she has an eternal family
she knows i love her
she has a new baby brother, who i know will always protect her and lover her

as for me 15 months later
i am still with Wells Fargo Auto
I am planning on finishing my degree in Psychology and working for LDS Family Services
I got married 5 months ago to the most amazing man who loves and supports all my decisions, he is my best friend, my solemate, the one i will have my own family one day and i will grow old with.

15 months have gone by so fast, it seems just like yesterday i gave birth to my angel.  Its all still so clear that day, the day i signed  my rights is 15 months tomorrow-
Birthmother support groip was started and has grown from 3 woman to over 10 who come along with their supports parents and birthfathers. i am so greatful for this group, its a place i can go to and have people to relate and fully understand my pains and loss and missing my angel, a place i go for support. i am greatful for the amazing caseworkers we have and the love they show us.

I know the years are going to just fly by so quickly now, next thing i know i will have my own family and evie will be in school and maybe have a new sibling who knows. i am greatful for the allens they love me like i am family, the updates they send me the surprise visits they set up. I love them so much.

Evie I love you my angel, and miss you lots.. kisses and hugs

Monday, January 25, 2010

just today, a small whole in my heart

Today this is what I am missing. My sweet angel laying sound asleep on my chest, feeding her, holding her, soothing her while she cries, yes changing her diapers. Today I miss this. Its not that I want her back it just I miss the FEELING of caring for a little precious child that doesnt know anything. I know one day Braden and I willhave our own children when the time is right, but that time is not now and I am ok with that. I just have my moment when I miss her. I think what started what remembering my sweet sister is about to return from her mission in march and will hopefully meet her a few weeks later. All this reminded me of the day I gave birth, she wasnt there but she called and my twin sister put her cold hand on Evie chest so she would cry for her Aunt Momo to hear, the great love and support she showed me hundreds of miles away and the support and love she still has for me and Evie and her family.  I a, very greatful for The Allens and the love they show me and I am reminded that they havent forgotten me.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

2010 Goals

I am a planning person and person who plans to far in the furture and it drives my family nuts. Once I make a plan to do something it never leaves my thoughts, so here are my goals and things to acomplish before 2010 is over:

1. attend my first baby shower since i found out i was pregnant-- DONE!!
2. Registar for school- finish my degree in Psycholgy.
3. Pursue my dream to work for LDS Family Services and work with Adoptive Couples and Birthmothers
4. Complete Evie first year scrapook
5. Move up within Wells Fargo
6. Visit Spain
7. Go to San Fransico with my hubby
8. Visit Evelyn when Melanie gets home (first time she is meeting her neice)
9. Speak to Bishops in training meeting and to relief societies.
10. Be on the brithmonth Panel at FSA regional and national conference
11. Continue to see the Birthmother Support group grow
these are just a few goals they are not big goals but things i want to acomplish so far in this year

Monday, January 18, 2010

She Who Is a Birth-Mother

My sweet mother in law brought a book with her this weekend that was given to her mother in law by a dear friend and thought I might like a part of it. Its called “the Sacred Sisterhood of Wonderful Wacky Women” by Suzy Toronto. The author is an amzazing woman who was told one day after emergancy surgery she would never be able to have child. She wasn’t able to have her own but did adopt and wrote a beautiful poem about her son’s birthmother I wanted to share. It really touched my heart and describes my feelings to a core. This road for me truly hasn’t been an easy one, but seeing the joy and love on The Allens face and how happy my daughter is and how much she is a daddies girl truly makes my decision worth it. Its been almost 15 months since I had this angel and its not been easy but well worth it. I love my daughter with all my heart and that’s why I made this deicison soley out of love, not selfishness. The Allens are amazing parents I love them so much.

She Who Is a Birth-Mother

She carries within her a precious, precious life...
One that empowers her to give the unparalleled gift of
Motherhood to another woman.

The choice is not easy.
Such monumental decisions seldom are.
The conflict inher heart tugs backa and forth
As she struggles to let go.
Will her child really be better off?

She closes her eyes
And lifts her face toward heaven…
And she says a silent prayer.

Then she cathes the vision of a family.
A mom, a dad, grandparents,
Aunts, uncles, and cousins,
All weeping with joy over this treasured infant…
The newest member of their family…
The miracle they thought they’s never see.

She softly begins to cry.
With a breaking heart and perfect clarity of mind,
A still-small voice
Whispers her thundering decision…
“It will not be easy,
But it is right”

-Suzy Toronto

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Baby Showers

Today I attended my first baby shower since I place my precious little girl and to my surprise once i walked thru the door the warm welcome from my caring friends made it so much easier on me. Baby showers and I have not been good because it broke my heart that I never got one. Now I know I made the choice to place my little girl for adoption but what made it hard for me to attend one was because I planned on raising Evelyn on my own. I decided to place her for adoption when I was 5 months pregnant and my dearest twin sister had already registared me at target and was planning a shower for me… so its been a difficult thing for me… I have had several friends have babies and I have not gone to their shower, so my new resolution this year was to attend ashower and get over that hurdle and show my dear friends love and supprt. Today I am proud of my self. The anticipation of walking thru the door killed me.. I almost didn’t walk in the door, until I texted my dear sister and told her how I was feeling and she gave me words of support and enocourgement and love. I am greatful for all the love and understanding my family and friends show me. I know now how Lynzie would probably feel going to showers and not being able to concieve before she receive my daughter. Woman who are not able to have children of their own suffer a similar grief birthmothers suffer when they place their babies in another womans arms. I am grateful Lynzie can have kids and has my daughter and her new little son who she gave birth to Dec 2nd 2009.

Friday, January 1, 2010

14 months ago

Today marks 14 months since I signed my rights as Evelyn’s mother and placed her in the arms of her MOTHER. I can't believe it has been so long already. its feels like it was just yesterday I was in the LDS Family office with my mom and sister and the Allens and Ray. I remember those few short days as a mother so clearly. What an amazing feeling it was to be a mother and to help another woman fulfill her dream of becoming a mother.

14 months ago I signed my rights as Evelyns Mother.

I remember sitting at Family Services  for over 2 hours slowly signing the papers as I held Evelyn in my arms, she was sleeping and every once in awhile she would open her eyes, as if she was making sure i was still there.. I sat and talked to her right before my final signature, telling her that she is loved and i will always a love her and never forget about her. Telling her my hopes and dreams for her. I want her to do well in school and love the gospel as much as i love the gospel. That i want her to graduate college and get sealed in the temple and have a family of her own. Telling her she will now have an Eternal Family, The Allens were meant to be her parents.

As much as that day hurt the worst leaving the office empty handed and as i arrived home feeling lonely. There was still some baby things in my room that i needed to give the allens that i made for Evelyn, I guess as we left family services,  my mother was asked by Daniel and Grandpa Greer if they could come over that night and give me a blessing. I was over joyed,  I had just given them Evelyn and they showed their love for me. What spiritual men they are. It was a reminder of why I placed my precious angel in their arms. They gave me a blessing and I handed them the items I had for her. I told Daniel everything Evelyn liked and how she loved to fall asleep, What to try when she was crying. They are amazing parents and Evelyn was truely meant to be theirs.

14 months seems like a long time, but really it feels as if i placed Evelyn yesterday with them. I really dont remember the days after too much. I know the birthfather left on Nov 1 and the rest of time i didnt want to be alone and Braden came over that night to be with me, He was a great source of comfort in this hard time. I am so greatful for the love that i have surrounding me, the support of my family, even though this was hard on them,m they will never truely understand the pain i went thru that day. Last night I had someone ask me if i regreted my decision to place my daughter, i responded as fast as i could NO. I dont regret it. yes i miss her but i know what i did was the right decision, i then had the opportunity to share my story with her. it turned out ahe understood, she had a friend who adopted and she had the opportunity to hear from a birthmother prospective.

I know more than anything our Heavenly Father has a plan for us. That  he loves us and know what we are going thru.