Sunday, February 28, 2010

16 months........ one day 16 years

I know its only been 16 months since I had my little angel and placed her in the arms of her Mom and Dad, going thru the 9 months of pregnancy without the birthfather around or any family around, just a few close friends, I look back and I want my daughter to see me as a hero, chance to have everything she deserved to have. I know my daughter will understand the reason behind my choice. I love her with all my heart. It may be 16 months now, but as a planner and someone who looks at what the future will hold, I sit back and think of what she will be doing  when she is 16 yrs old. If I will be in contact as much as I am now,if she will know her half brothers and sisters, what she will think of my decison?  I know her parents will tell her she was adopted and that I did it out of love, That I DID love her, but I hope one day she can come and talk to me and I can her my story face to face. She has a video that her Mom had wanted to do since she was born. We did a video interview with me and L.Allen so Evie can have something to watch from me until they day she comes and talks to me and I hope she does. I love her with all my heart and I love the Allen’s.

This song means alot to me and I use to sing it to hear when I was pregnant everynight before we went to bed.
(Evelyn 2 months old)

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger

Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

(Martina Mcbride - In My Daughter's Eyes)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Presentations and Insight

I did my first high school presentation 2 weeks ago. I presented at Compadre High School in Tempe. I was so nervous. I didn’t know how to tell my story without telling the real meaning behind my adoption because it involves the Church so much. On the top of my list for a adoptive family was a very loving open family, strong priesthood holders and to have Evelyn be part of an Eternal Family. How do you tell this to girls not of your faith? How as a 25 year old do you explain you didn’t feel you could give your daughter everything she needed yet more DESERVED? This was hard but when I did the 2nd class it was so much easier. My fear was they are teen moms who have chosen this how can I help these girls with my story, and one girl asked a question about adoption because a family member (sorry I don’t remember who it was) was adopted and didn’t think their Birthmother loved him and that is why and I was able to tell her I did this for Evelyn because I loved her so much. As much as my heart was breaking I loved her enough to place her with a family that I know she was meant for them.

I am not sure if these girls had the baby’s fathers in their lives or even if the boys went thru the pregnancy with them. ( off on a tangent I feel I need to blog about this)

The hardest part of my adoption was I felt so alone, it wasn’t till the end of my pregnancy that a support group was start with me and 2 other girls who were due around the same time with me. For some time I felt alone. I didn’t have the birthfather there, he didn’t want this adoption to happen but at the same time didn’t even try to be part of my life and help me.. I saw him once thru my whole pregnancy. I meant my now husband when I was 5 months preg but that didn’t mean he replace the BFather at all. Braden was a guy I thought was cute, but never knew I would end up marrying this man. I had friends that were supportive of my adoption and extended family who didn’t understand and family that didn’t understand. My mom told me she supported whatever my choice was. At the beginning the first 5 months I was planning on raising my baby with the Bfather and we were going to get married till he left me. Being along at 25 yrs old working 50 hours a week and going to all your appointments alone was hard. My Dr understood my decision but some others in the office didn’t and that was hard. People at work told me I was crazy and being selfish and this was the most selfless act I could choose.. I just want people to know this wasn’t an easy decision for me and 16 months later I still have a hard time. I am greatful I can turn to my support group on Wednesday nights for support. I love the girls and the caseworkers.

16 months later I can say it gets easier and harder at the same time. I feel I have missed out so much on her life. There are something’s I got to experience with her. Her trying to walk, her first birthday, I haven’t heard to speak clear words but I am told she likes “what” right now and knows how to say “auga” and she can follow directions in Spanish and English, I have a bilingual baby which I never thought would happen. For those newly BM’s or getting ready to place I will tell you it does get easier but I do have my hard times. I don’t have an extremely open adoption like a few of my friends do, but I am ok with that . its been 2 months since I last saw her. And its been hard but I am okay with it. I know I will see her on birthmothers day and in October. I am hoping to see her in April when my sister comes home from her mission so she can meet her for the first time. But that visit might be after may which is fine too. I love my adoptive family and I love having an open adoption and how much I am loved my Evies parents. They are so good to me.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Lola Mae

I picked up my baby Lola Mae the day I went into labor with my the other love of my life, Miss Evelyn .. I am having to give away my little kitty, who is only 2 years old because my husband has become very allergic to her and I am giving her to my old roomate Christy who has her friend Levi, I know she is going to a good home but this is very hard for me as I got her to help ease the pain of placing my angel for adoption. She has helped me in my grieving process of Evelyn. I love my kitty but I know she will be okay. I will still get pcitures and updates since I am still good friends with my rommmate. I will miss you Lola I love you and you didn't do anything wrong.

When I decided I was placing my Angel for adoption I knew I had to have something else to take care of, not to replace Evelyn but just to ease the pain of losing a child. She has been a great help to me and I will always love her and everything she did for me. I really believe she helped me through my grieving process and I will always love her..

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Lord is My Light

We sang this song in sacrament meeting this past Sunday, Braden was home sick; it was hard for me not to tear up as I sat there thinking how much I love my Heavenly Father, how much he has been my strength thru everything. I Truly believe my Heavenly Father is my LIGHT.

My favorite verse is #3, the lord is my light, the Lord is my strength, The Lord has been my ultimate strength thru this tough decision I made 16 months ago, I would have never known The Allen’s were my angels family, without the strength of my Lord on my side and with me every minute I would have never placed my angel. He gave me the confirmation I needed to choose Evelyn's family, the strength when she was 2 days old to remember why I was placing her and not keep her. The Lord is my Light!

The Lord Is My Light

1. The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?

By day and by night his presence is near.

He is my salvation from sorrow and sin;

This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.


The Lord is my light;

He is my joy and my song.

By day and by night he leads,

He leads me along.

2. The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,

Faith, stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies

Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign.

Then how can I ever in darkness remain?

3. The Lord is my light; the Lord is my strength.

I know in his might I’ll conquer at length.

My weakness in mercy he covers with pow’r,

And, walking by faith, I am blest ev’ry hour.

4. The Lord is my light, my all and in all.

There is in his sight no darkness at all.

He is my Redeemer, my Savior, and King.

With Saints and with angels his praises I’ll sing.

Text: James Nicholson, 1828–1876

Music: John R. Sweney, 1837–1899