Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Can others ever KNOW?

Can others ever know?
the sorrow
the grief
the empty heart
I faced
apart
from her.

The pain
the love I had
When I placed
My precious in another
mothers arms.

© Kelly Layton
 

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas

During Christmas this year, it's hard not to think of Evie and her family. Last year she was only a few months old and didn’t really know what was going, who Santa was, how to open presents. This year she is more aware of her surroundings and as Christmas arrived it is a bit harder for me this year than last. I find myself picturing her staring at the beautiful tree and the presents underneath it, the special gift Danny made for her this year, Opening the gifts and wishing I was there to experience Christmas morning. This Christmas I miss her very much, I am not sure why it’s harder this year than last, maybe its cause she is getting older, she is more alert and aware of her surroundings. I am not sure why. But I still know with all my heart placing her with her PARENTS was the right thing, she was meant for them. Heavenly Father knew I could handle this even though there are days I feel I can’t. I don't ever once regret my choice. I know it was the right one. More so this past week has been hard. The other day I found myself looking at baby ornaments and got sad, i wantd so bad to buy a bunch of them for a christmas tree. I imagined her nursery with her little tree and her ornaments, this was hard. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I realized what I could do. I would purchase an ornament for her, an adoption, birthmother ornament. Now it’s very hard to find one. So I was looking for a perfect ornament that would represent our experience in a happy way not a sad one. My father in law use to work for Hallmark so I got the idea to look there and found an ornament call “Shining Moments” 2008. I decided to choose 2008 ornament because this is when Evie was born and the year I placed my little girl. I thought what a more perfect ornament than this. Truly this past year has been a shining moment for me and The Allens. We both have been blessed in so many ways, and for that I am grateful. I look at my experience as a Shining Moment, not because attention is on me for placing a child. I am not a person that shares my experience to be put on a pedestal. I tell people when it’s appropriate that I am a birth mother and why I placed to educate them on adoption and how much it has changed.

This Christmas I am grateful for the blessing of open Adoptions, and being able to know my daughter and her family. It makes times like this a lot easier. When i got my surprised visit 2 days ago, it really made my week. The Allens are very loving caring wonderful family. I know they love me and they dont forget about me. I love them with all my heart and know they are Evelyns family and this was God's plan.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A special Christmas Gift

Today was a very special day. I had a visit from Daniel, Lynzie, Evelyn and her new brother Micah( such a cutie). I had not planned on seeing them until my sister got home form her mission in march, since Micah is only a few weeks old. They always seem to know when I need a quick visit.
This is my 2nd Christmas since I placed. I am grateful for an open adoption and having the opportunity to see her grow up and have her know who I am and never having to wonder where her birthmother is. Christmas is my FAVORITE holiday, it was my fathers and its the Allens as well. Thank you for always remembering me through the Holidays. Evelyn I love you so much and you are always in my heart, my thoughts, and prayers. I love you little angel.




Sunday, December 13, 2009

New Addition!


On December 2 2009 at 8:12pm, The Allens were blessed with Micah Mathew Allen born 7lbs 12oz 21inches. When Daniel texted me I was at work, I was over joyed with emotion and I started to cry, not out of sadness but Happiness, Evelyn has a little brother and The Allens were blessed with another child. I am grateful that Lynzie was able to have children and that Evelyn has a little brother that will protect her. I am so excited to meet him one day.

Many people at work who know I have placed Evelyn for adoption asked me if I was upset or felt lied to by The Allens because she was pregnant, when I was told by The Allens in May this year I was very happy, yes I will be honest I did question MY Heavenly Father why I placed my daughter with them if she was now pregnant, yes there was a small moment that I thought it was unfair, that I want her back, but more than anything I just wanted to hold her... but very quickly I was reminded that we all have our trials, and this was meant to be. I remembered that I didnt place Evelyn cause I didnt want her, but that she need both a mother and a father, she needed the Priesthood, a father who could give her blessings when she was sick, or when she starts school, or just when she feels she needs the comfort and guidiance of a Fathers blessing. I felt a sense of peace in my heart agian that yes this was the right thing. I told them no beacause I know our Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and Evelyn was meant for them. I helped them start a family of there own. I know without a doubt that she was theres and that Heavenly Father has us go thru personal trials for a reason, he will never give us anything we can't handle.

I am truely happy Lynzie was able to get pregnant and be blessed with Micah. I know without a shadow of doubt that this was the right choice. I love the Allen with  all my heart. I am gratefull Evelyn is part of an Eternal Family, something I was blessed with at 17 yrs old. I am grateful she didnt have to wait so long to have that amazing gift. I know at this time of year that my gift to Heavenly Father is pure GRATITUDE, Gratitude for trials, even though it feels like we may not make it, Heavenly father knows we will. Gratitude for Open Adoption. I love The Allens and their families, I feel as if they are mine too. I  love them with all my heart.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Birthmommissions.blogspot.com

so today i was searching  the R House blog and found a birthmother support site called birthmommissions.blogspot.com and found this video i wanted to share




I enjoyed this video

Monday, November 16, 2009

Evelyns 1st Birthday



how grateful I am that I have an open adoption. I dont think I could have place Evie and not knw how she is or get a visit. I am grateful to the Allens for allowing me and braden and especially my mother for including us in the celebration. It meant alot for me to attend her party. she is getting so big. she is walking and trying to talk. I cant believe how fast they grow up. it was such a great night. There were some hard points of the night when Eveyln didnt want to go to me and let me hold or she just wanted to walk around and do her own thing. It was like she didnt know who I was, and it made me sad. I has prepared my self for the first year not what it would be like after the first year. I thought even though I wasnt around alot that she would still know who I am and want to come to me.. I had a talk with my Husband and finally realized it was because she is with her family and i knew this. plus she is still young and when she gets older and if i see her then she will learn who i am. right now she is still too little to understand everything that is going on.. i just expected her to always remember me know matter. I still have no regrets of my choice. I know without a doubt in my mind that she was meant for the Allens, yes i miss her all the time, i dont miss her cause i want her back, I just miss seeing her and having her around. She was my blessing, she taught me so much and help me come back to church. I know Heavenly Father will never give us a trial we can not handle, even though at that moment in time when I placed her for the last time as her MOTHER, and gave her to Lynzie, I thought I would never live again, survive, move on.... Even though its been a tough year, I feel blessed to have the love of the Allens they show me and my family.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Evelyns 1st birthday

Evelyns birthday was on October 28th her party was sunday nov 1 at grandma and grandpa A's house. everyone was there. My mom came out for the party from california. I am so greatful to the Allens for letting be part of this celebration. Evelyn did so well... She loved her cake that her Mommy made. it was a heart shape cake with white frosting and a fresh strawberry glaze. she didnt know what to do with it at first but then the fun start she had a blast she starting throwing small bits of it, got some on my heels but it was fun. I love when I get to see her. She also walking so well.. I am glad I have an open adoption where I can be part of some of the firsts. she is such an outgoing little girl. I am grateful for the Allens and the love they continue to show me a year later. They mean the world to me and I know my Heavenly Father sent them to me for Evelyn. The whole family enviroment the spirit and love the family has is what i wanted for her. I can now say I have given her the world.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wow time flies.... Its gone by so fast



This has been a hard trying month for me as my year mark came up, my precious daughter turned 1 year old on October 28th and October 31st is the 1 year mark that I signed my rights as her Mother. That day is as clear as I can remember. There were tears of sadness in the beginning then her parents walked in and came directly to me and placed My Angel in front of me to lift out of her car seat and hold for the last time as her mother. I held her for a long time and cried in sadness of what I was doing, thinking “is this really what is best?” “ I can be a wonderful mother and care for her, I have the means, she can have a great life for me”… Then as I looked up at her Parents and saw their happiness and looked at my mother, she shook her head in an approving manner, that she knew no matter how hard for he this was, my family and I that this was truly Our Heavenly Fathers Plan… I knew that my daughter needed a 2 parent home and so much more I could not offer her.... as hard as it was, on that day around 10am I sat and told her all my hopes and dreams and wishes for her, just talked to her for awhile and it seemed as if no one was in the room with me, it was only my daughter and I for that moment, as I signed the final pages I asked Little Miss Evelyn if she was ready to meet her new family, I told her her mother was an amzing lady and that she will have lots of love growing up, she opened her eyes (which was a rarity for her) and look directly at me and at that moment I KNEW this was the right thing.




You may ask if it was hard, yes VERY VERY hard, the first several months about 6 months were the hardest but do I regret my decision NO, Never do I regret giving my daughter an amazing gift, a gift of an Eternal Family and the Priesthood. I have my hard days and sad days that I find myself missing her greatly, then I pull out her pictures and see her with her mom and dad and see the great big smile on her face and I remember why. I love her with all my heart and always will. She will always be my little angel, my gift, my reason for all I do. I will always love her. I will never forget her.. one day I willhave a family of my own and she will hopefully get to know her sibilings.

My Little Angel Evelyn -- I love you so dearly, You are always in my heart. I will never forget you and I hope that one day when the time comes you will understand my reasoning for placing you with your loving Eternal family and know I did this out of love. I love you will all my heart. Kisses and Hugs Always and Forever

This is the poem I gave Evelyns Adoptive parents and read to them the day I placed them with her...

My Child, Their Child


This is my child, Yet she is not mine
My flesh and blood, but their sweat and tears-
She caries my genes, Yet will be shaped by their
personalities-
She lives strong in my heart, but her heart
feels for them-
She lives in my fantasies, my dreams.
Yet she's their dream come true, their beautiful
and precious reality-
I gave her life, with which she made theirs whole
I learned so much to love her, that I let her go-
My child, their child it doesn't make sense,
Yet at the same time-
My child, my dream for her to have better, then I
could give,
Their child, their dream, to give her better then
I could give,-
My child, so painful, the hurt caused by her
leaving so much grieving,
Yet a world full of happiness in their receiving.

© Heather Corcoran-Schneider

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

School---- education grants and scholarships

I have been in college since i was 18 years old. I have always been an Early Childhood Education major and have recently changed my major to BSW(social work)... My career plan is to work for LDS Family Services as a adpotive couple caseworker and eventually work with birthmothers...

I am currently looking for scholarships and grants to pay for my education. if anyone knows please let me know... I have already found a scholarship with Lifetime Mother foundation

Sunday, October 18, 2009

In my Arms I Held.....



In my arms I held



The most precious thing


Known to mankind


With ten little fingers


And ten little toes


Hair of brown and eyes of blue


So little and fragile


I didn't want to let go


As she looked up at me


With such uncertain eyes


She gave out a little cry


There I knew I had to let go


I placed her in the arms


Of one that could not bear her own


But could give her all I could not


This person I know will take great


Care of her


Her life will be happy and secure


This I trust with faith and love


She will grow to understand


It was out of love for her


That with a kiss on the cheek


I placed her in the arms


Of the one she will call mother


© Sharon Roberts





Monday, October 12, 2009

Love......


My decision




I placed my beautiful daughter Evelyn for adoption on Oct 31st 2008. She was born Oct 28th 2008 @ 8:32am weighed 7lbs 1oz 20 inches long. She was beautiful when she was deliver, she was perfect nothing wrong with her…. I decided to place my daughter when I was 5 months pregnant after he birthfather had left me…. Yes he wanted to be there but never moved here or made the effort while I was pregnant…. I had a had decision to make, single parent or place for adoption. I was 25 yrs old when I placed her in the arms of her loving parents… This was not the easiest choice to make



For my daughter I wanted her to have so much more than I did. I wanted her to have a father that would be there all the time for her, to have daddy daughter dates and much more. I knew I couldn’t provide this for her. Evelyn deserved so much more than I could give her, I knew with all my heart that adoption was what would be best for my baby. I was so happy that I was able to choose my daughters parents, it meant a lot to me to have an open adoption, I needed to know that she was happy and loved. I needed to be able to have a visit when I was having a hard time, to know the Adoptive Parents cared about me as well as my baby. I also knew an open adoption would ease that pain on my family as well…



She was my first baby, my mother’s first grandchild, my sisters first niece…. They were all affected. I knew my decision would not only affect me for the rest of my life but as well as those around me…



Yes, there was a moment after she was born that I DID change my mind. I thought, how can I do this? Will she understand? Will she love me? Will she hate me? Will she think I didn’t want her? How can I do this to my family? How will I ever overcome this decision? This all crossed my mind when my daughter was 2 days old. At that moment I was not going to place her with her family, that I had already chosen and TOLD she would be theirs, this was my mothers fear, I would change my mind and break their heart, a couple who have been waiting over 6 years to have a family of their own. I said a prayer that last night in the hospital. I called my caseworker the next morning and she did what I told her to remind me why I made this decision. I was being selfish, I wasn’t wanting to bear the days, hours, minutes of pain without my daughter in my arms. At that point I changed my mind, I was placing her with her family, she was theirs for all eternity.



When I met my baby’s parents for the first time I knew they would love her as much as I do. I knew they were perfect for her. When they came around there was a sense of peace and love. I knew they loved me and will love my baby. The day I placed my baby in their arms for the first time after I signed my rights, a sense of peace, comfort and love overwhelmed me. I will not lie this was not an easy decision for me but I thought of what my baby needed and her parents were everything and more. I have given my daughter wonderful gift, a gift of love, I also made ayoung families dreams come true. I am grateful for my baby’s parents and the love they show her, my family and I have been blessed and blessed many others lives with my decision. I love my daughter with all my heart and she will know I have always and will always love her.



I am grateful a year later they still care about me and how I am doing. They understand my needs as a birthmother. They love me so much and I see every time they visit the love they not only have for me but a greater love for my daughter.

The start of something new

So i have been posting my birthmother experiences on our family website and decided today that i would create one dedicated to my experince documenting back to the beginning and thru the rest of the years...so hear is my story