Monday, October 12, 2009

My decision

I placed my beautiful daughter Evelyn for adoption on Oct 31st 2008. She was born Oct 28th 2008 @ 8:32am weighed 7lbs 1oz 20 inches long. She was beautiful when she was deliver, she was perfect nothing wrong with her…. I decided to place my daughter when I was 5 months pregnant after he birthfather had left me…. Yes he wanted to be there but never moved here or made the effort while I was pregnant…. I had a had decision to make, single parent or place for adoption. I was 25 yrs old when I placed her in the arms of her loving parents… This was not the easiest choice to make

For my daughter I wanted her to have so much more than I did. I wanted her to have a father that would be there all the time for her, to have daddy daughter dates and much more. I knew I couldn’t provide this for her. Evelyn deserved so much more than I could give her, I knew with all my heart that adoption was what would be best for my baby. I was so happy that I was able to choose my daughters parents, it meant a lot to me to have an open adoption, I needed to know that she was happy and loved. I needed to be able to have a visit when I was having a hard time, to know the Adoptive Parents cared about me as well as my baby. I also knew an open adoption would ease that pain on my family as well…

She was my first baby, my mother’s first grandchild, my sisters first niece…. They were all affected. I knew my decision would not only affect me for the rest of my life but as well as those around me…

Yes, there was a moment after she was born that I DID change my mind. I thought, how can I do this? Will she understand? Will she love me? Will she hate me? Will she think I didn’t want her? How can I do this to my family? How will I ever overcome this decision? This all crossed my mind when my daughter was 2 days old. At that moment I was not going to place her with her family, that I had already chosen and TOLD she would be theirs, this was my mothers fear, I would change my mind and break their heart, a couple who have been waiting over 6 years to have a family of their own. I said a prayer that last night in the hospital. I called my caseworker the next morning and she did what I told her to remind me why I made this decision. I was being selfish, I wasn’t wanting to bear the days, hours, minutes of pain without my daughter in my arms. At that point I changed my mind, I was placing her with her family, she was theirs for all eternity.

When I met my baby’s parents for the first time I knew they would love her as much as I do. I knew they were perfect for her. When they came around there was a sense of peace and love. I knew they loved me and will love my baby. The day I placed my baby in their arms for the first time after I signed my rights, a sense of peace, comfort and love overwhelmed me. I will not lie this was not an easy decision for me but I thought of what my baby needed and her parents were everything and more. I have given my daughter wonderful gift, a gift of love, I also made ayoung families dreams come true. I am grateful for my baby’s parents and the love they show her, my family and I have been blessed and blessed many others lives with my decision. I love my daughter with all my heart and she will know I have always and will always love her.

I am grateful a year later they still care about me and how I am doing. They understand my needs as a birthmother. They love me so much and I see every time they visit the love they not only have for me but a greater love for my daughter.

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