Thursday, October 28, 2010


2 years ago i had a beautiful little girl. she was perfect. no cone head no white stuff. just perfect little girl i have ever seen. she was born at 832am  7lbs 1oz 20 inches long. she never cried (only when aunt Lala put her cold hands on her belly. the first night she didn't sleep very well or eat much, she was up throwing up most of the night,  when my sister and mom returned the next morning at 9am we  called the nurse in she still wasn't keeping anything down , it turned she had a bunch of yucky fluid in her tummy and had to have it pumped, my sweet sister Laura went with Evelyn to have this done, as i couldn't bear seeing my baby in pain. she came back and was a happy baby and starting eating a ton. we would have to wake her her up at night for her feedings. i didn't sleep much those 3 long days in the hospital (they were 3 long wonderful days), 3 days i was able to be her mother, love her, care for her, learn her little quirks, feed her and cuddle her. she was mine for those days, i cherished every second with her, wanting her know how much i loved and love her still. then it was time for her to go home with her mommy and daddy, who i had picked out with the help of the Lord's guidance. That was a really hard day in my life to leave the hospital without her in my car, but i know she was going home with right family.

She is an very loved little girl. She has blessed lives of those around her in so many ways. She blessed my life and for her I am grateful. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LITTLE GIRL! ENJOY THIS DAY AND ALWAYS REMEMBER I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT AND WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

here is my vent, the one and only ever on this blog!

some people jsut need to keep there mouths shut. just because you place a baby for adoption and then get married doesnt mean you an unfit mother and shouldnt be having more kids, now i am not prego, but one day would like to be and have a family of my own with my husband.
this wasnt easy what I did and I hurt and hold it in sometimes. 2 years is coming up and I cant help but think of my little girl everyday, every minute, every second of my day. My choice has affected and hurt alot of people but has anyone ever thought of what i am feeling, how this has affected me, how 2 years affecting me and not having her here in AZ to see her on her birthday. i am throwing it out there WHAT ABOUT ME, WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS, THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU ITS ABOUT ME! (I had to get that out). I have had alot of support thru this process but sometimes i feel as though I am suppose to just get over it, well guess what I will never get over it, I will move on, move on with my life and my family, but i will never forget her, or stop talking about and bragging about her. The emotional struggle will get easier, i will alway miss her, BUT I NEVER EVER REGRET MY DECISION, I DID IT FOR HER NOT FOR ME, SHE DESERVES THE WORLD, THE BEST, A MOM AND DAD, ETERNAL FAMILY AND THE PRIESTHOOD, AND SHE HAS IT... SO NO I DONT REGRET THIS CHOICE WHAT SO EVER!.

Thank you to all those who have never judged me and understand my choice, especially my family and closest friends!!!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

2 years is coming up

October has turned into an emotional month. as soon as the heat goes away my mind starts thinking about the days leading up to my delivery of my sweet blessing. i can't help but find my mind wandering at work as i look up at the pictures of Evie and our visits we have together i get teary eyed and have to remember i am at work and some people know about Evie at work but not every one. My team knows and i find myself thinking of the up coming Birthday and I find myself not wanting to bring it up to my teammates and when i get teary i hold back because they don't understand and i have had several not nice things said, so work is hard, i have one lady who's son placed a little girl a few months after i did and i find on my hard days she notices and asks if i am ok and i tell her about Evelyn and share Evelyn's pictures with her and it helps having at least one person at work who understands.. i am so grateful for Evelyn coming into my life when she did,s he has truly blessed my life in so many ways. I miss her everyday and this year is a little harder as she is in Boston and I wont see her for her birthday, i will admit i struggle with that, but i know i wont always get to see and spend her birthday with her, that's ok.  Evelyn I will always love you, your never far from my thoughts.