I have found myself lately wondering about what my life would have been like had I decided to keep Evelyn. I think about this as I look at my son and play with him and witness his first smile, his first coo, the first time his little blue eyes follow me when I talk.
I know exactly what my life would be like. I would still be working in my old department at Wells Fargo trying to manage the crazy hours with being a single mom, balancing work and daycare to make it work for me. It would have been harder for me to go back to school to finish my degree, I would still be on the path to become a teacher instead of an adoption counselor. It definitely wouldnt be easy being a single mother, I know I would be struggling. I never realized how expensive a baby was and how hard it would be to raise a child. And most importantly she wouldnt be sealed to me and have a dad. She is part of an Eternal Family and has a father in her life who she loves and his a complete daddys girl. She has a wonderful, beautiful, patience loving mother who is there 24/7 for her.
Having my own son now and still working, but in a way better department with better hours, I still get the needed time with him. He is my pride and joy. I love being a mom and a mom at the right time and in a good relationship with his dad there to help me and part of his life. I have a wonderful husband who is willing to get up with middle of the night feedings and let me good to bed when I am tired and Easton doesnt want to go to sleep and is just fussy and I am so tired my patience is 100% gone. These are times I think of my baby girl and I am grateful she has a mother and a father, who are both there all the time and her mom can be home with her 100 % of the time, these are things I dreamed for her to have. I know without a doubt she is with her Mom and Dad, they were always meant to be their daughter. I am grateful for open adoption and to be a part of her life.
This post is not in anyway saying I regret my decision I never regret it. she is where Heavenly Father meant her to me.I do miss her and have my wonders of what if's but I still know she is with her parents.
I love both my babies and Easton will always know who Evie is and he will grow up to love her and protect her from a far.
I still cant believe oct 28th will be 3 yrs since I had my angel and oct 31st will be 3 yrs that I signed my rights as her mother. I am forever grateful for those 3 days I was her mother I love you baby girl
So today I realized its been months since I posted anything. Alot has happened since I last posted. I had my precious little boy on July 26th @ 232pm. He was 7lbs 8ozs, 20 inches long. I was in labor for 11 hours this time, he was sunnyside up and i pushed for 1 1/2 hours with my epidural wearing off, let me tell you I will never never deliver a baby naturally by choice, i dont suggest it, it hurts, its painful and exhausting, I dont remember the last part of my delivery I was so out of it until they placed EASTON MARK HATCH in my arms. He was the most perfect baby I could ask for. My emotions were all over, memories flooding back in when I first got to the hospital in labor, I couldnt help but remember when I first got to the hosptial when I was pregnant with Evelyn. I wasnt ready i kept thinking, it was too early, I am suppose to have 2 more weeks with her, where she was mine and she was close to me, 2 weeks where I was taking care of her and she needed me, relied on me. I had 15 people in the delivery room, I was stressed, there was alot of commotion going on, family rushing to make it in time for the delivery, tears were shed, happy tears and sad tears. this time around it was just me and Braden, the room was calm, I was calm, once I got the epidural, I was nervous, I slept a little this time, IT was another very special time for me, I was going to be a mom and this scared me, still scares me, still seems unreal. As we left the hospital I was hit with alot of memories and emotions, I remember being wheeled out with Evie in my arms Ray by myside(who wasnt happy with my decision for our daughter but I did was what best for her), I get to the sliding doors, my mom, sister laura, Daniel and Lynzie there waiting for me, I thought I can just turn around walk back to my room and keep her, but its not what was best, I walked out those doors, greeted with love from Daniel and Lynzie, Danny was holding the carseat, I placed my sweet girl into her seat and buckled her in, she was safe, they gave me big hugs and walked to their car and drove away, I ran to my mother sobbing in her arms, Evie was gone, my sweet angel gone just like that, I get in the car with Ray we drive to my house, we get home, I find the box of stuff I bought evie and forgot to give her parents, I loose control and sob again, my mother tells me Danny and Grandpa Greer are on there way over to give us all blessings, how sweet of them, they have a newborn and he is coming to care for me, this is why I love this family and that I know I choose the right family for Evelyn. Coming home this time was very different, I buckled Easton up, sat in the back seat with him, starred at him, he was sleeping so content, He was mine, I was taking him home. I feel so blessed to have made all the right choices in my life after placement, to stay on the right path, keep my life moving in the right direction.
Easton is my pride and joy. We love him so much, he is almost 2 months old now and growing like crazy. WE got to spend time with Lynzie Evelyn and Micah last week. Evie got to meet her birth brother (lynzie calls him- i love it better than half brother) and she loved him Micah loved him too. Evie was so sweet. we played and laughed and took pictures.. The blessings of open adoption, I love my adoption and having my sweet boy and being a mom now I never regret placing Evie with her family I know she is where she is to be. This was Heavenly Fathers plan, no matter how much it hurt. She is part of an Eternal family as is Easton.