Saturday, September 24, 2011

Wondering

I have found myself lately wondering about what my life would have been like had I decided to keep Evelyn. I think about this as I look at my son and play with him and witness his first smile, his first coo, the first time his little blue eyes follow me when I talk.

I know exactly what my life would be like. I would still be working in my old department at Wells Fargo trying to manage the crazy hours with being a single mom, balancing work and daycare to make it work for me. It would have been harder for me to go back to school to finish my degree, I would still be on the path to become a teacher instead of an adoption counselor. It definitely wouldnt be easy being a single mother, I know I would be struggling. I never realized how expensive a baby was and how hard it would be to raise a child. And most importantly she wouldnt be sealed to me and have a dad. She is part of an Eternal Family and has a father in her life who she loves and his a complete daddys girl. She has a wonderful, beautiful, patience loving mother who is there 24/7 for her.

Having my own son now and still working, but in a way better department with better hours, I still get the needed time with him. He is my pride and joy. I love being a mom and a mom at the right time and in a good relationship with his dad there to help me and part of his life. I have a wonderful husband who is willing to get up with middle of the night feedings and let me good to bed when I am tired and Easton doesnt want to go to sleep and is just fussy and I am so tired my patience is  100% gone. These are times I think of my baby girl and I am grateful she has a mother and a father, who are both there all the time and her mom can be home with her 100 % of the time, these are things I dreamed for her to have. I know without a doubt she is with her Mom and Dad, they were always meant to be their daughter. I am grateful for open adoption and to be a part of her life.

This post is not in anyway saying I regret my decision I never regret it. she is where Heavenly Father meant her to me.I do miss her and have my wonders of what if's but I still know she is with her parents.

I love both my babies and Easton will always know who Evie is and he will grow up to love her and protect her from a far.

I still cant believe oct 28th will be 3 yrs since I had my angel and oct 31st will be 3 yrs that I signed my rights as her mother. I am forever grateful for those 3 days I was her mother I love you baby girl

1 comment:

  1. I think it's common for birth mother's to wonder after they have their own children. I know I did. It's not that we regret our decision at all but that we wonder all those dang "what if's". Some times I feel like those "What if's" haunt me. any way thought I'd let you know you're not the only one that wonders.

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