24 days / 27 days

In 24 short days my life changed forever. I gave birth to the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

 

Those 3 days I will cherish forever, as Evelyn's mother. Those 3 days in the hospital I was a mother for the first time. Staring into her eyes, looking back at me, telling me this was meant to be, i know you love me and will forever love me. Those were the 3 hardest days of my life.

Day 1(oct 28th)- I spent loving my daughter, caring for her, feeding her, changing her diapers, rocking her to sleep, holding her, never wanting to let her go, knowing this 100% the right decision. My mother and sister holding her, loving her to. Cherishing those 3 days like I was.

Day 2(oct 29th)- the toughest of the 3 days, I had changed my mind, I wanted to keep her, raise her, didn’t want to let her go, I didn’t like seeing my mother, sister hurting in pain, but I was in pain too, I was struggling. Seeing her birthfather hold her, thinking we can make this work, he will move here, he will be around 100% of the time, he loved me (at least that’s what he said when he held E for the first time). I knew deep in my heart he would never be around for her or I. I have never prayed so hard in my life, trying to find comfort and peace in my decision to place her, I was hurting and if I kept her I would stop hurting, but she wouldn’t have everything she needed, Her birthfather wouldn’t have stuck around, married me, cared for us. I would be a single mother, knowing I could easily do this, but was it the right thing to deprive this special Daughter of Our Heavenly Father both a mother and a father? The Allens could provide her with a safe home, 2 loving parents, a life of adventure and travel, most importantly the GOSPEL, An ETERNAL FAMILY. I prayed so hard with this perfect little girl in my arms, her birthfather asleep on the couch, I stayed up all night, never putting her down for a second. Early in the morning as the sun was rising, I got my answer, Daniel and Lynzie are her parents, this is meant to me, I couldn’t deprive her of the life she was suppose to have. As much as I was hurting inside, as much as I wanted to keep her (so I would stop hurting and those around me wouldn’t hurt) it was no longer about me or them, it was about HER, this special Daughter of Heavenly Father, it was his plan all along. I felt so much peace when the sun rose that last morning at the hospital. The last morning I would be her mother, I would care for her, the last day she would be mine.

Day 3(Oct 30th)- a day filled with peace and love. A day her Grandma Warner and Aunt Laura loved on her and held her with so much love. A day I felt so loved by MY Heavenly father, he knew my pain and what I was going thru, he never left my side. I knew my daddy was right by my side telling me everything would be ok, this was the plan, he loved Evelyn and Evelyn understands the plan. Evelyn loves me and will always love me and understand he said. I left the hospital at 7pm that night after a beautiful placement ceremony, with my family, Daniel and Lynzie, The Allen grandparents and The Greer grandparents. Everyone had left after, taking everything to the car, leaving me and the birthfather alone in the room, cherishing our last few minutes with Evelyn, saying our final goodbye. The nurse came in, I sat in the wheelchair, holding my little perfect angel and they wheeled me out to the car, Daniel was there waiting holding her carseat. We all said our final see you laters ( I would see them in the morning to sign). I kissed her forehead, placed her in the carseat buckled her in ( I knew she was safe) they turned around placed her in the car and drove off. This moment was when I thought I would never be ok again, never recover from this pain. I knew it was still the right decision but it still hurt like no other pain I have felt before.

We all went home that night together, my family and I. I get home and see the box of stuff I had bought for Evelyn realizing I forgot to give it to her parents, the my mom told me Daniel and Grandpa Greer ( Lynzie’s dad) were on their way over to give me a blessing, how sweet I thought, he has a brand new baby, his daughter at home, and he is coming her to make sure I am ok and give me a well needed blessing. They truly do love me and care for me. Daniel showed up gave me and my family blessings, I gave him the box of stuff telling him all the little things about Evelyn I forgot to tell him, how to calm her when crying, her binkie, the little things she did, how often she at, how to feed her and burp her….

Oct 31st- This day was a hard one, the day I signed saying I am no longer her mother, I didn’t sleep at all that night, kept thinking I heard her crying, looking for her in the dark. I showed up to the appointment late and I didn’t think I could go thru with it…. I ran into the agency, Audra (my caseworker) was there waiting, I ran into her arms sobbing, she didn’t think I was going thru with this, I told her I was still going thru it was the right thing I knew it, I had just seen Daniel and Lynzie and all the emotion hit me, they also turned around and was driving away. Audra takes me and my mom and sister into the larger office we all sit down and Audra calls Lynzie to come back to the office that I was okay. Danny is carrying Evelyn in her carseat and places her right in front of me, she was already unbuckled ready for me to pick her up. We all held her for the last time, this day was a peaceful day. When it came to signing I took forever, the secretary kept coming back and finally we just decided to tell Audra when I was fully ready. It was a couple hours we spent together before I signed, that’s a hard thing to do, make that final signature saying you’re no longer her mother. I sat and held Evelyn, telling her I love her, all my hopes and dreams for her, that not a day a second will go by that I don’t think of her. I will always be there for her when she needs me. She will never wonder who her birthmother is and why she made this decision. She will always know how much I love her. She is a blessing in my life. I asked her to tell me if she was ready and to open her eyes and look at me if she was, a few seconds later after I said I love you and kissed her on the forehead she opened her eyes, a sense of peace overwhelmed me, she was ready, I was ready, this was truly the right thing, Heavenly Father was right there with me along with my dad. The room was quiet as I sign that final signature. I gave the paperwork back to Audra and looked down at this perfect little girl. I was happy she was with who she needed to be. I handed her to Lynzie, they are the perfect family, Evelyn fits right in with them. She has so much love.

I am grateful I have an open adoption. To see Evelyn grow up and know who I am, means the world to me. she is the most perfect little girl I have ever seen.

I love you forever and always Evelyn Giselle.

where has the time gone to

in just 1 short month this little angel will turn 3.. where did the time go.. seems like i was being rushed to the hospital just yesterday.. I love this little girl with all my heart.

in just 1 short month this little angel will turn 3.. where did the time go.. seems like i was being rushed to the hospital just yesterday.. I love this little girl with all my heart.

Wondering

I have found myself lately wondering about what my life would have been like had I decided to keep Evelyn. I think about this as I look at my son and play with him and witness his first smile, his first coo, the first time his little blue eyes follow me when I talk.

I know exactly what my life would be like. I would still be working in my old department at Wells Fargo trying to manage the crazy hours with being a single mom, balancing work and daycare to make it work for me. It would have been harder for me to go back to school to finish my degree, I would still be on the path to become a teacher instead of an adoption counselor. It definitely wouldnt be easy being a single mother, I know I would be struggling. I never realized how expensive a baby was and how hard it would be to raise a child. And most importantly she wouldnt be sealed to me and have a dad. She is part of an Eternal Family and has a father in her life who she loves and his a complete daddys girl. She has a wonderful, beautiful, patience loving mother who is there 24/7 for her.

Having my own son now and still working, but in a way better department with better hours, I still get the needed time with him. He is my pride and joy. I love being a mom and a mom at the right time and in a good relationship with his dad there to help me and part of his life. I have a wonderful husband who is willing to get up with middle of the night feedings and let me good to bed when I am tired and Easton doesnt want to go to sleep and is just fussy and I am so tired my patience is  100% gone. These are times I think of my baby girl and I am grateful she has a mother and a father, who are both there all the time and her mom can be home with her 100 % of the time, these are things I dreamed for her to have. I know without a doubt she is with her Mom and Dad, they were always meant to be their daughter. I am grateful for open adoption and to be a part of her life.

This post is not in anyway saying I regret my decision I never regret it. she is where Heavenly Father meant her to me.I do miss her and have my wonders of what if's but I still know she is with her parents.

I love both my babies and Easton will always know who Evie is and he will grow up to love her and protect her from a far.

I still cant believe oct 28th will be 3 yrs since I had my angel and oct 31st will be 3 yrs that I signed my rights as her mother. I am forever grateful for those 3 days I was her mother I love you baby girl

It's been awhile

So today I realized its been months since I posted anything. Alot has happened since I last posted. I had my precious little boy on July 26th @ 232pm. He was 7lbs 8ozs, 20 inches long. I was in labor for 11 hours this time, he was sunnyside up and i pushed for 1 1/2 hours with my epidural wearing off, let me tell you I will never never deliver a baby naturally by choice, i dont suggest it, it hurts, its painful and exhausting, I dont remember the last part of my delivery I was so out of it until they placed EASTON MARK HATCH in my arms. He was the most perfect baby I could ask for. My emotions were all over, memories flooding back in when I first got to the hospital in labor, I couldnt help but remember when I first got to the hosptial when I was pregnant with Evelyn. I wasnt ready i kept thinking, it was too early, I am suppose to have 2 more weeks with her, where she was mine and she was close to me, 2 weeks where I was taking care of her and she needed me, relied on me. I had 15 people in the delivery room, I was stressed, there was alot of commotion going on, family rushing to make it in time for the delivery, tears were shed, happy tears and sad tears. this time around it was just me and Braden, the room was calm, I was calm, once I got the epidural, I was nervous, I slept a little this time, IT was another very special time for me, I was going to be a mom and this scared me, still scares me, still seems unreal. As we left the hospital I was hit with alot of memories and emotions, I remember being wheeled out with Evie in my arms Ray by myside(who wasnt happy with my decision for our daughter but I did was what best for her), I get to the sliding doors, my mom, sister laura, Daniel and Lynzie there waiting for me, I thought I can just turn around walk back to my room and keep her, but its not what was best, I walked out those doors, greeted with love from Daniel and Lynzie, Danny was holding the carseat, I placed my sweet girl into her seat and buckled her in, she was safe, they gave me big hugs and walked to their car and drove away, I ran to my mother sobbing in her arms, Evie was gone, my sweet angel gone just like that, I get in the car with Ray we drive to my house, we get home, I find the box of stuff I bought evie and forgot to give her parents, I loose control and sob again, my mother tells me Danny and Grandpa Greer are on there way over to give us all blessings, how sweet of them, they have a newborn and he is coming to care for me, this is why I love this family and that I know I choose the right family for Evelyn. Coming home this time was very different, I buckled Easton up, sat in the back seat with him, starred at him, he was sleeping so content, He was mine, I was taking him home. I feel so blessed to have made all the right choices in my life after placement, to stay on the right path, keep my life moving in the right direction.

Easton is my pride and joy. We love him so much, he is almost 2 months old now and growing like crazy. WE got to spend time with Lynzie Evelyn and Micah last week. Evie got to meet her birth brother (lynzie calls him- i love it better than half brother) and she loved him Micah loved him too. Evie was so sweet. we played and laughed and took pictures.. The blessings of open adoption, I love my adoption and having my sweet boy and being a mom now I never regret placing Evie with her family I know she is where she is to be. This was Heavenly Fathers plan, no matter how much it hurt. She is part of an Eternal family as is Easton.

Memories

A Special Mothers Day Card!

I received this Mothers day card in the mail. I love when I get homemade things in the mail from my sweet Evie.

Birthmothers Day

The day before Mothers day every year is Birthmothers day. This is my 3rd Birthmothers/Mothers day. As time goes on it gets a little easier, but its still a very hard day for me. This is my first Birthmothers Day that I will not spend it with my favorite little family and get to see Evelyn. It has really hit me this week. its been 2 years 6 months 7 days since I placed her in the arms of her Mother Lynzie. I miss her every day. They have been in Boston since August 2010 and be heading on to their next adventure in San Francisco July 1st.

Yes I am expecting my own little man in just a short 13 weeks and I will be able to celebrate Mother's Day with him, but as I think about Birthmothers day this year, its just as hard as the past 2 years have been. I find myself on sundays in sacrament meeting during the time when the young men are passing out the special Mother's Day treat I still don't feel I should stand. Yes I am a Mother I still see Evelyn as my daughter but I am a different kind of mother I am a Birthmother, a special Mother.

Braden made sure this was a special day for me. It started out sleeping in, he cleaned the house earlier this week so I could relax today. I woke up to flowers with my favortie candy and soda.

Then I meet up with him at work for lunch and a cute little cafe and got a big tub of gelato from The Queen Creek Olive Mill, the we headed to dinner at  La Grande Orange in phoenix, this resturant has special meaning to me, its a place Danny and Lynzie took me for dinner at one of our many times together while I was pregnant. I remember the conversation and where everyone sat and what we ordered. They gave me a gift card for Christmas this past year for La Grande Orange and I am excited to celebrate Birthmothers day at this special place and reflect on the past 2 1/2 years and where I have come from that point.

The highlight of my day was when The Allens called me and I got to hear sweet Evelyn sing to me.. I was overcome with emotion, it meant so much for them to remember me today. It was my first Birthmothers Day wiuthout them and having them call made my day even better. It was a little hard but I reflected on the reason I made this stuff choice in my life. Evelyn and the Allens have blessed my life so much, Evelyn helped me get back to where I needed to be, where I was the happiest, The Allens have blessed my life by always supporting my decisions and allowing me the opportunity to be a part of their family and see Evelyn grow up and for her to know who I am.

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart" Skye Hardwick