Tuesday, October 4, 2011

24 days / 27 days


In 24 short days my life changed forever. I gave birth to the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

 
Those 3 days I will cherish forever, as Evelyn's mother. Those 3 days in the hospital I was a mother for the first time. Staring into her eyes, looking back at me, telling me this was meant to be, i know you love me and will forever love me. Those were the 3 hardest days of my life.
Day 1(oct 28th)- I spent loving my daughter, caring for her, feeding her, changing her diapers, rocking her to sleep, holding her, never wanting to let her go, knowing this 100% the right decision. My mother and sister holding her, loving her to. Cherishing those 3 days like I was.

Day 2(oct 29th)- the toughest of the 3 days, I had changed my mind, I wanted to keep her, raise her, didn’t want to let her go, I didn’t like seeing my mother, sister hurting in pain, but I was in pain too, I was struggling. Seeing her birthfather hold her, thinking we can make this work, he will move here, he will be around 100% of the time, he loved me (at least that’s what he said when he held E for the first time). I knew deep in my heart he would never be around for her or I. I have never prayed so hard in my life, trying to find comfort and peace in my decision to place her, I was hurting and if I kept her I would stop hurting, but she wouldn’t have everything she needed, Her birthfather wouldn’t have stuck around, married me, cared for us. I would be a single mother, knowing I could easily do this, but was it the right thing to deprive this special Daughter of Our Heavenly Father both a mother and a father? The Allens could provide her with a safe home, 2 loving parents, a life of adventure and travel, most importantly the GOSPEL, An ETERNAL FAMILY. I prayed so hard with this perfect little girl in my arms, her birthfather asleep on the couch, I stayed up all night, never putting her down for a second. Early in the morning as the sun was rising, I got my answer, Daniel and Lynzie are her parents, this is meant to me, I couldn’t deprive her of the life she was suppose to have. As much as I was hurting inside, as much as I wanted to keep her (so I would stop hurting and those around me wouldn’t hurt) it was no longer about me or them, it was about HER, this special Daughter of Heavenly Father, it was his plan all along. I felt so much peace when the sun rose that last morning at the hospital. The last morning I would be her mother, I would care for her, the last day she would be mine.

Day 3(Oct 30th)- a day filled with peace and love. A day her Grandma Warner and Aunt Laura loved on her and held her with so much love. A day I felt so loved by MY Heavenly father, he knew my pain and what I was going thru, he never left my side. I knew my daddy was right by my side telling me everything would be ok, this was the plan, he loved Evelyn and Evelyn understands the plan. Evelyn loves me and will always love me and understand he said. I left the hospital at 7pm that night after a beautiful placement ceremony, with my family, Daniel and Lynzie, The Allen grandparents and The Greer grandparents. Everyone had left after, taking everything to the car, leaving me and the birthfather alone in the room, cherishing our last few minutes with Evelyn, saying our final goodbye. The nurse came in, I sat in the wheelchair, holding my little perfect angel and they wheeled me out to the car, Daniel was there waiting holding her carseat. We all said our final see you laters ( I would see them in the morning to sign). I kissed her forehead, placed her in the carseat buckled her in ( I knew she was safe) they turned around placed her in the car and drove off. This moment was when I thought I would never be ok again, never recover from this pain. I knew it was still the right decision but it still hurt like no other pain I have felt before.

We all went home that night together, my family and I. I get home and see the box of stuff I had bought for Evelyn realizing I forgot to give it to her parents, the my mom told me Daniel and Grandpa Greer ( Lynzie’s dad) were on their way over to give me a blessing, how sweet I thought, he has a brand new baby, his daughter at home, and he is coming her to make sure I am ok and give me a well needed blessing. They truly do love me and care for me. Daniel showed up gave me and my family blessings, I gave him the box of stuff telling him all the little things about Evelyn I forgot to tell him, how to calm her when crying, her binkie, the little things she did, how often she at, how to feed her and burp her….

Oct 31st- This day was a hard one, the day I signed saying I am no longer her mother, I didn’t sleep at all that night, kept thinking I heard her crying, looking for her in the dark. I showed up to the appointment late and I didn’t think I could go thru with it…. I ran into the agency, Audra (my caseworker) was there waiting, I ran into her arms sobbing, she didn’t think I was going thru with this, I told her I was still going thru it was the right thing I knew it, I had just seen Daniel and Lynzie and all the emotion hit me, they also turned around and was driving away. Audra takes me and my mom and sister into the larger office we all sit down and Audra calls Lynzie to come back to the office that I was okay. Danny is carrying Evelyn in her carseat and places her right in front of me, she was already unbuckled ready for me to pick her up. We all held her for the last time, this day was a peaceful day. When it came to signing I took forever, the secretary kept coming back and finally we just decided to tell Audra when I was fully ready. It was a couple hours we spent together before I signed, that’s a hard thing to do, make that final signature saying you’re no longer her mother. I sat and held Evelyn, telling her I love her, all my hopes and dreams for her, that not a day a second will go by that I don’t think of her. I will always be there for her when she needs me. She will never wonder who her birthmother is and why she made this decision. She will always know how much I love her. She is a blessing in my life. I asked her to tell me if she was ready and to open her eyes and look at me if she was, a few seconds later after I said I love you and kissed her on the forehead she opened her eyes, a sense of peace overwhelmed me, she was ready, I was ready, this was truly the right thing, Heavenly Father was right there with me along with my dad. The room was quiet as I sign that final signature. I gave the paperwork back to Audra and looked down at this perfect little girl. I was happy she was with who she needed to be. I handed her to Lynzie, they are the perfect family, Evelyn fits right in with them. She has so much love.
I am grateful I have an open adoption. To see Evelyn grow up and know who I am, means the world to me. she is the most perfect little girl I have ever seen.

I love you forever and always Evelyn Giselle.


4 comments:

  1. Heather -- would you mind me referencing your blog on my next post?

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  2. kayli email me mustangchick8@gmail.com

    thank you for referencing my blog. I am happy to know others read it and that I am not writing it for me and my angel.. your amazing and i love reading your blog. open adoption is an amazing thing. I too at times feel the need for more contact, bu tboth of us are so busy its hard at times, but its good to know we can contact our "best friends" at anytime and they are there for us..

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  3. Tears are just pouring down my face. That was so beautiful Heather! You are an amazing woman! I know Evelyn loves you dearly and will always be so grateful for your love. And I know without a doubt that Lynzie and Daniel love you more than you could ever imagine! I'm still sobbing. Lol. Thank you for your adoption testimony! You are so incredible!

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  4. Your stories that you have shared here touch my heart so deeply. I had a daughter and gave her to my brother/sister-in-law when she was two months old because we had nowhere to live. I have to sign those papers eventually and the thought of it just entirely breaks my heart. Papers or not, Chloe has been with them for 26 of her 28 months in this world, so I know I'm no longer 'mommy'. It's such a hard situation. Thank you for sharing your experience, it makes me feel like I'm not alone. God bless you for it. <3

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