Day 3(Oct 30th)- a day filled with peace and love. A day her Grandma Warner and Aunt Laura loved on her and held her with so much love. A day I felt so loved by MY Heavenly father, he knew my pain and what I was going thru, he never left my side. I knew my daddy was right by my side telling me everything would be ok, this was the plan, he loved Evelyn and Evelyn understands the plan. Evelyn loves me and will always love me and understand he said. I left the hospital at 7pm that night after a beautiful placement ceremony, with my family, Daniel and Lynzie, The Allen grandparents and The Greer grandparents. Everyone had left after, taking everything to the car, leaving me and the birthfather alone in the room, cherishing our last few minutes with Evelyn, saying our final goodbye. The nurse came in, I sat in the wheelchair, holding my little perfect angel and they wheeled me out to the car, Daniel was there waiting holding her carseat. We all said our final see you laters ( I would see them in the morning to sign). I kissed her forehead, placed her in the carseat buckled her in ( I knew she was safe) they turned around placed her in the car and drove off. This moment was when I thought I would never be ok again, never recover from this pain. I knew it was still the right decision but it still hurt like no other pain I have felt before.
We all went home that night together, my family and I. I get home and see the box of stuff I had bought for Evelyn realizing I forgot to give it to her parents, the my mom told me Daniel and Grandpa Greer ( Lynzie’s dad) were on their way over to give me a blessing, how sweet I thought, he has a brand new baby, his daughter at home, and he is coming her to make sure I am ok and give me a well needed blessing. They truly do love me and care for me. Daniel showed up gave me and my family blessings, I gave him the box of stuff telling him all the little things about Evelyn I forgot to tell him, how to calm her when crying, her binkie, the little things she did, how often she at, how to feed her and burp her….
Oct 31st- This day was a hard one, the day I signed saying I am no longer her mother, I didn’t sleep at all that night, kept thinking I heard her crying, looking for her in the dark. I showed up to the appointment late and I didn’t think I could go thru with it…. I ran into the agency, Audra (my caseworker) was there waiting, I ran into her arms sobbing, she didn’t think I was going thru with this, I told her I was still going thru it was the right thing I knew it, I had just seen Daniel and Lynzie and all the emotion hit me, they also turned around and was driving away. Audra takes me and my mom and sister into the larger office we all sit down and Audra calls Lynzie to come back to the office that I was okay. Danny is carrying Evelyn in her carseat and places her right in front of me, she was already unbuckled ready for me to pick her up. We all held her for the last time, this day was a peaceful day. When it came to signing I took forever, the secretary kept coming back and finally we just decided to tell Audra when I was fully ready. It was a couple hours we spent together before I signed, that’s a hard thing to do, make that final signature saying you’re no longer her mother. I sat and held Evelyn, telling her I love her, all my hopes and dreams for her, that not a day a second will go by that I don’t think of her. I will always be there for her when she needs me. She will never wonder who her birthmother is and why she made this decision. She will always know how much I love her. She is a blessing in my life. I asked her to tell me if she was ready and to open her eyes and look at me if she was, a few seconds later after I said I love you and kissed her on the forehead she opened her eyes, a sense of peace overwhelmed me, she was ready, I was ready, this was truly the right thing, Heavenly Father was right there with me along with my dad. The room was quiet as I sign that final signature. I gave the paperwork back to Audra and looked down at this perfect little girl. I was happy she was with who she needed to be. I handed her to Lynzie, they are the perfect family, Evelyn fits right in with them. She has so much love.
I love you forever and always Evelyn Giselle.