Monday, October 10, 2011

The days following placement

Mom and Laura left Saturday 11/1 in the am to head back to cali, the birthfather left Sunday. Those days I felt i was caring for others and not myself, in those days I felt so alone, that no one cared about me and what I was going thru; I had just given birth, those contractions were horrible, unbearable (till i got meds), and I had just left the hospital with nothing to show for what I went thru, EMPTY HANDED, yes others around me were hurting, but what about me. Everyone was gone but one person who cared for me so much, Braden, he came over Sunday night and every day after that, never letting me be alone. I couldn’t sleep at night , the only time I would sleep was when Braden was there and I was so exhausted I would fall asleep on him, then he would have to go home and I was awake all night. I watch every single Gray's Anatomy season, every movie in the house, pretty much every movie at red box and blockbuster, that all I did at night was watch movies, well attempt to watch them. most nights I just lay in bed crying thinking of my baby girl, what she was doing, thinking right now she might be up eating and her mom is feeding her and rocking her back to sleep and singing to her. As I would fall asleep I would wake up thinking I heard her crying, searching for her in the dark, then remembering she isn’t there. I would break down sobbing, missing her to very much, wondering if the pain would ever go away. if she would ever think of me, know that I loved her, still love her. if she would want to see me when she was older, I have an open adoption but wasn’t sure where it would go as it was new to both the allens and i. they were cautious of my feelings as i was of theirs. We talked about what I had hoped for in the open adoption but I was sure if that’s what I really wanted. I would call my sister Laura and text her and my mom, but no one ever really understood the pain I was feeling, their loss was a different kind of loss than a mothers loss. I look at placing Evelyn as a loss, a hole in my heart, it was my decision yes, and yes just because I DECIDED this was the best thing for my daughter I have every right to experience this as a loss and heartbreak. Some people who didn’t understand expected me to just move on the next day, sorry it doesn’t work that way. Those next seconds, minutes, hours, days, months were very painful. I never thought I would be ok again be able to move on or be loved again. I didn’t think anyone would want me, a young divorced girl who had a baby out of wedlock and just placed her for adoption, i felt so broken, but there was Braden right there, I didn’t know it then that we would be married let alone date, but he says he did :) He was there every second every minute he wasn’t working he was with me, making sure I was never alone, he was there when I went to visit Evelyn and the Allens 2 days after placement and I was able to get to know the rest of the family better. HE has been there for every visit except a couple. The allens love braden and Evelyn just adores him, sometimes she will talk to him more than me :) i love it..

Eventually life got easier. each day got easier. I had a fellow birth mom tell me when I was close to delivery that it gets easier, she had placed her little girl 6 months prior when she told me this and I thought she was crazy, and there is no way it gets easier, but she was right .. for me right around 6 months old I found myself being able to cope and go about life with a better outlook. I was taking care of myself again, going to the gym, making myself look pretty and presentable again. I had been dating officially started dating braden a few months after placement( I had know him for almost a year at this point). I found myself wanting to adventure out of the house on dates with Braden, and just getting out of the house again. I was still hurting and Braden made sure to never leave me alone, he was a huge support to me after placement and I can't count how many times he held me as I cried and he was always there for me, but I KNEW I was never alone, family and friends were always there but my Heavenly Father was there too, he understood my pain I felt, my sorrows, he knew I would be okay and I was. This was my toughest trial I have ever endured in my life, and I am sure I will have more to come, not to this extent but trails in different ways.
I do still miss her, and has a small hole in my heart that will always be missing.Don't get me wrong I still have my days when I cry and feel like I am back at square one, but i am always reminded of the reason why I placed her with her parents. They were always meant to be her parents. I am at peace with my decision. I knew it then and still know it now, adoption was the best decision I could have made as a mother for my daughter, she deserves everything in the world and I gave that to her. I was able to help an amazing couple start their eternal family. Evelyn has a 2 parent home and Eternal family. She KNOWS who I am, she loves me. I will always miss her but this miss I feel is very different than it used to be. I love her so much and I look forward to our visits. Unfortunately I will not be celebrating her 3rd birthday with her this year, but that’s life, we all get busy and move on (never forgetting) with our daily routines and our individual family life, we are able to Skype and talk to her on the phone, which makes me ever so happy and I know Evelyn is very happy too she loves being on the computer and seeing the video. I am grateful to share a birthday month with her, it always means 2xs for sure I get to talk to her, on my birthday oct 10, which Evelyn did call me and told me happy birthday and I love you and told me all about her new dance class where she is learning Ballet and Tap and loves every minute of it, and her birthday oct 28th. I look forward to those two days every year and I can’t wait to see that cute little face and tell her I love her oh so very much and visit with Lynzie, she is my friend, one of my best friends and I love our conversations and just being able to enjoy my time with her.

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