Tuesday, October 2, 2012

4 years is fast approaching

Today is exactly 1 month from when my precious little Angel Evie girl turns 4. Where did the last 4 years go. I remember how miserable I was feeling and ready and not ready I was for her to make her big appearnce. That last month before having her was a very rough one for me.  I knew in my heart Daniel and Lynzie were her parents, but I didn't know how I would survive with out her.

Its crazy to think of my life these past 4 years. I have had people tell me rude and mean things in the past years. I have now ben more cautious of sharing my story to those around me. I am at a new company now and only a few know about her. I just recently posted pictures of her up, but no one has asked who she is. I am unsure if I will say this is my daughter because the last person I told at work on my team about her when she found out I had another baby was in shock and I tried to explain to her why I made this heartbreaking decision for my daughter but she is an older lady who really just didnt understand why I did what I did and seemed a little stand offish about it now. I feel at a point where I don't want to share my Adoption story . I use to love sharing it but it seems more are judging and I know it shouldnt matter but it does to me. I dont share my story to defend my decision, to get sympathy, to say hey look at me and that great thing I did.  I share my story to educate others on adoption and show others there's another choice out there for these unplanned pregnancies and theres hope and life after placement, that life just doesn't stop.

Lately I have felt bad because I tend to forget I have another baby out there. I have an open adoption and loving family and I can talk to them whenever I want and see them when they come to visit. But I feel as if I am disconnecting from it all. I don't find myself crying, missing her, wanting her here with me in my arms. I feel i dont need to contact them as much and I really dont find i need updates as often any more. Don't get me wrong I still love her more than anything, she will always be my baby girl, it's just a phase I think I am going thru right now. I still look forward to their blog being updated and  I look forward to our video chats ( which I get to see them this sunday via sunday).  I am not sure if this is a normal feeling to feel at this stage in my life with adoption or not, I am really hoping it passes cause I really don't like this feeling.

4 years ago I thought to myself how will I live after placemet? How will I be able to continue to go on? To go back to work? To live my life? Who will want to marry me? Will anyone ever truly understand? Where will I be? Will she hate me? Love me? Want me to stay in her life? Will my adoption get closed? So many thoughts go thru your head when your in the adoption process. I remember going out to dinner to La Grande Orange in Phoenix with The Allens, I remember I was unsure if the adoption could go thru due to the birthfather fighting me. I remember sitting across from the table talking to them, updating them on where we were at and telling them "no matter what I will no change my mind, my baby girl is meant to be with your family, you are meant to be her parents" I remember expressing my fears and concerns of what will happen if I can't place her with them due to the birthfather, The Allens were so loving and supporting thru the whole process, the were a huge support to me.

Adoption has changed my life in so many ways and has given me so many opportunties to spread the word. To share my Testimony of adoption and the blessings of this selfless hard choice no one ever wants to go thru. I would not be who I am today and as strong as I am without having made this choice, Evelyn would not be with her foever family, the family she was promised long before she came to earth.

I love you so much baby girl. Forever and Always you are in my heart

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