Can others ever KNOW?

Can others ever know?
the sorrow
the grief
the empty heart
I faced
apart
from her.

The pain
the love I had
When I placed
My precious in another
mothers arms.

© Kelly Layton
 

Christmas

During Christmas this year, it's hard not to think of Evie and her family. Last year she was only a few months old and didn’t really know what was going, who Santa was, how to open presents. This year she is more aware of her surroundings and as Christmas arrived it is a bit harder for me this year than last. I find myself picturing her staring at the beautiful tree and the presents underneath it, the special gift Danny made for her this year, Opening the gifts and wishing I was there to experience Christmas morning. This Christmas I miss her very much, I am not sure why it’s harder this year than last, maybe its cause she is getting older, she is more alert and aware of her surroundings. I am not sure why. But I still know with all my heart placing her with her PARENTS was the right thing, she was meant for them. Heavenly Father knew I could handle this even though there are days I feel I can’t. I don't ever once regret my choice. I know it was the right one. More so this past week has been hard. The other day I found myself looking at baby ornaments and got sad, i wantd so bad to buy a bunch of them for a christmas tree. I imagined her nursery with her little tree and her ornaments, this was hard. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I realized what I could do. I would purchase an ornament for her, an adoption, birthmother ornament. Now it’s very hard to find one. So I was looking for a perfect ornament that would represent our experience in a happy way not a sad one. My father in law use to work for Hallmark so I got the idea to look there and found an ornament call “Shining Moments” 2008. I decided to choose 2008 ornament because this is when Evie was born and the year I placed my little girl. I thought what a more perfect ornament than this. Truly this past year has been a shining moment for me and The Allens. We both have been blessed in so many ways, and for that I am grateful. I look at my experience as a Shining Moment, not because attention is on me for placing a child. I am not a person that shares my experience to be put on a pedestal. I tell people when it’s appropriate that I am a birth mother and why I placed to educate them on adoption and how much it has changed.

This Christmas I am grateful for the blessing of open Adoptions, and being able to know my daughter and her family. It makes times like this a lot easier. When i got my surprised visit 2 days ago, it really made my week. The Allens are very loving caring wonderful family. I know they love me and they dont forget about me. I love them with all my heart and know they are Evelyns family and this was God's plan.

A special Christmas Gift

Today was a very special day. I had a visit from Daniel, Lynzie, Evelyn and her new brother Micah( such a cutie). I had not planned on seeing them until my sister got home form her mission in march, since Micah is only a few weeks old. They always seem to know when I need a quick visit.

This is my 2nd Christmas since I placed. I am grateful for an open adoption and having the opportunity to see her grow up and have her know who I am and never having to wonder where her birthmother is. Christmas is my FAVORITE holiday, it was my fathers and its the Allens as well. Thank you for always remembering me through the Holidays. Evelyn I love you so much and you are always in my heart, my thoughts, and prayers. I love you little angel.

Evelyn's Christmas pictures-- she is 14 months old

New Addition!

On December 2 2009 at 8:12pm, The Allens were blessed with Micah Mathew Allen born 7lbs 12oz 21inches. When Daniel texted me I was at work, I was over joyed with emotion and I started to cry, not out of sadness but Happiness, Evelyn has a little brother and The Allens were blessed with another child. I am grateful that Lynzie was able to have children and that Evelyn has a little brother that will protect her. I am so excited to meet him one day.

Many people at work who know I have placed Evelyn for adoption asked me if I was upset or felt lied to by The Allens because she was pregnant, when I was told by The Allens in May this year I was very happy, yes I will be honest I did question MY Heavenly Father why I placed my daughter with them if she was now pregnant, yes there was a small moment that I thought it was unfair, that I want her back, but more than anything I just wanted to hold her... but very quickly I was reminded that we all have our trials, and this was meant to be. I remembered that I didnt place Evelyn cause I didnt want her, but that she need both a mother and a father, she needed the Priesthood, a father who could give her blessings when she was sick, or when she starts school, or just when she feels she needs the comfort and guidiance of a Fathers blessing. I felt a sense of peace in my heart agian that yes this was the right thing. I told them no beacause I know our Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and Evelyn was meant for them. I helped them start a family of there own. I know without a doubt that she was theres and that Heavenly Father has us go thru personal trials for a reason, he will never give us anything we can't handle.

I am truely happy Lynzie was able to get pregnant and be blessed with Micah. I know without a shadow of doubt that this was the right choice. I love the Allen with  all my heart. I am gratefull Evelyn is part of an Eternal Family, something I was blessed with at 17 yrs old. I am grateful she didnt have to wait so long to have that amazing gift. I know at this time of year that my gift to Heavenly Father is pure GRATITUDE, Gratitude for trials, even though it feels like we may not make it, Heavenly father knows we will. Gratitude for Open Adoption. I love The Allens and their families, I feel as if they are mine too. I  love them with all my heart.