my sweet little girl

4 years is fast approaching

Today is exactly 1 month from when my precious little Angel Evie girl turns 4. Where did the last 4 years go. I remember how miserable I was feeling and ready and not ready I was for her to make her big appearnce. That last month before having her was a very rough one for me.  I knew in my heart Daniel and Lynzie were her parents, but I didn't know how I would survive with out her.

Its crazy to think of my life these past 4 years. I have had people tell me rude and mean things in the past years. I have now ben more cautious of sharing my story to those around me. I am at a new company now and only a few know about her. I just recently posted pictures of her up, but no one has asked who she is. I am unsure if I will say this is my daughter because the last person I told at work on my team about her when she found out I had another baby was in shock and I tried to explain to her why I made this heartbreaking decision for my daughter but she is an older lady who really just didnt understand why I did what I did and seemed a little stand offish about it now. I feel at a point where I don't want to share my Adoption story . I use to love sharing it but it seems more are judging and I know it shouldnt matter but it does to me. I dont share my story to defend my decision, to get sympathy, to say hey look at me and that great thing I did.  I share my story to educate others on adoption and show others there's another choice out there for these unplanned pregnancies and theres hope and life after placement, that life just doesn't stop.

Lately I have felt bad because I tend to forget I have another baby out there. I have an open adoption and loving family and I can talk to them whenever I want and see them when they come to visit. But I feel as if I am disconnecting from it all. I don't find myself crying, missing her, wanting her here with me in my arms. I feel i dont need to contact them as much and I really dont find i need updates as often any more. Don't get me wrong I still love her more than anything, she will always be my baby girl, it's just a phase I think I am going thru right now. I still look forward to their blog being updated and  I look forward to our video chats ( which I get to see them this sunday via sunday).  I am not sure if this is a normal feeling to feel at this stage in my life with adoption or not, I am really hoping it passes cause I really don't like this feeling.

4 years ago I thought to myself how will I live after placemet? How will I be able to continue to go on? To go back to work? To live my life? Who will want to marry me? Will anyone ever truly understand? Where will I be? Will she hate me? Love me? Want me to stay in her life? Will my adoption get closed? So many thoughts go thru your head when your in the adoption process. I remember going out to dinner to La Grande Orange in Phoenix with The Allens, I remember I was unsure if the adoption could go thru due to the birthfather fighting me. I remember sitting across from the table talking to them, updating them on where we were at and telling them "no matter what I will no change my mind, my baby girl is meant to be with your family, you are meant to be her parents" I remember expressing my fears and concerns of what will happen if I can't place her with them due to the birthfather, The Allens were so loving and supporting thru the whole process, the were a huge support to me.


Adoption has changed my life in so many ways and has given me so many opportunties to spread the word. To share my Testimony of adoption and the blessings of this selfless hard choice no one ever wants to go thru. I would not be who I am today and as strong as I am without having made this choice, Evelyn would not be with her foever family, the family she was promised long before she came to earth.

I love you so much baby girl. Forever and Always you are in my heart

3 years old and growing up so fast

Evelyn turned 3 this past month. I cant believe I am just now posting about this, but I have been busy I was in Cali for my sisters wedding during Evelyns birthday and then we got home and I had to prepare to speak on the birthmother panel at the southwest regional adoption conference, which was a blast( post to come later).

3 years ago I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. She was 7lbs 1oz with no hair. She blessed my life so grately. I was able to skype with her and the allen on wednesday this week. Evelyn was just talking up a storm and showing us all her dance moves she has learned in her ballet class. She amazes me everyday. she I living San Fran and they go to museums frequently and loving being at the park. I cant wait to get up to San fran  to see them... more to come

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET ANGEL. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

3 short days

2 days, 13 hours, 55 minutes, until Friday, October 28, 2011 at 8:32:00 AM

Until this precious little girl turns 3 years old

Missing

The days following placement

Mom and Laura left Saturday 11/1 in the am to head back to cali, the birthfather left Sunday. Those days I felt i was caring for others and not myself, in those days I felt so alone, that no one cared about me and what I was going thru; I had just given birth, those contractions were horrible, unbearable (till i got meds), and I had just left the hospital with nothing to show for what I went thru, EMPTY HANDED, yes others around me were hurting, but what about me. Everyone was gone but one person who cared for me so much, Braden, he came over Sunday night and every day after that, never letting me be alone. I couldn’t sleep at night , the only time I would sleep was when Braden was there and I was so exhausted I would fall asleep on him, then he would have to go home and I was awake all night. I watch every single Gray's Anatomy season, every movie in the house, pretty much every movie at red box and blockbuster, that all I did at night was watch movies, well attempt to watch them. most nights I just lay in bed crying thinking of my baby girl, what she was doing, thinking right now she might be up eating and her mom is feeding her and rocking her back to sleep and singing to her. As I would fall asleep I would wake up thinking I heard her crying, searching for her in the dark, then remembering she isn’t there. I would break down sobbing, missing her to very much, wondering if the pain would ever go away. if she would ever think of me, know that I loved her, still love her. if she would want to see me when she was older, I have an open adoption but wasn’t sure where it would go as it was new to both the allens and i. they were cautious of my feelings as i was of theirs. We talked about what I had hoped for in the open adoption but I was sure if that’s what I really wanted. I would call my sister Laura and text her and my mom, but no one ever really understood the pain I was feeling, their loss was a different kind of loss than a mothers loss. I look at placing Evelyn as a loss, a hole in my heart, it was my decision yes, and yes just because I DECIDED this was the best thing for my daughter I have every right to experience this as a loss and heartbreak. Some people who didn’t understand expected me to just move on the next day, sorry it doesn’t work that way. Those next seconds, minutes, hours, days, months were very painful. I never thought I would be ok again be able to move on or be loved again. I didn’t think anyone would want me, a young divorced girl who had a baby out of wedlock and just placed her for adoption, i felt so broken, but there was Braden right there, I didn’t know it then that we would be married let alone date, but he says he did :) He was there every second every minute he wasn’t working he was with me, making sure I was never alone, he was there when I went to visit Evelyn and the Allens 2 days after placement and I was able to get to know the rest of the family better. HE has been there for every visit except a couple. The allens love braden and Evelyn just adores him, sometimes she will talk to him more than me :) i love it..

Eventually life got easier. each day got easier. I had a fellow birth mom tell me when I was close to delivery that it gets easier, she had placed her little girl 6 months prior when she told me this and I thought she was crazy, and there is no way it gets easier, but she was right .. for me right around 6 months old I found myself being able to cope and go about life with a better outlook. I was taking care of myself again, going to the gym, making myself look pretty and presentable again. I had been dating officially started dating braden a few months after placement( I had know him for almost a year at this point). I found myself wanting to adventure out of the house on dates with Braden, and just getting out of the house again. I was still hurting and Braden made sure to never leave me alone, he was a huge support to me after placement and I can't count how many times he held me as I cried and he was always there for me, but I KNEW I was never alone, family and friends were always there but my Heavenly Father was there too, he understood my pain I felt, my sorrows, he knew I would be okay and I was. This was my toughest trial I have ever endured in my life, and I am sure I will have more to come, not to this extent but trails in different ways.
I do still miss her, and has a small hole in my heart that will always be missing.Don't get me wrong I still have my days when I cry and feel like I am back at square one, but i am always reminded of the reason why I placed her with her parents. They were always meant to be her parents. I am at peace with my decision. I knew it then and still know it now, adoption was the best decision I could have made as a mother for my daughter, she deserves everything in the world and I gave that to her. I was able to help an amazing couple start their eternal family. Evelyn has a 2 parent home and Eternal family. She KNOWS who I am, she loves me. I will always miss her but this miss I feel is very different than it used to be. I love her so much and I look forward to our visits. Unfortunately I will not be celebrating her 3rd birthday with her this year, but that’s life, we all get busy and move on (never forgetting) with our daily routines and our individual family life, we are able to Skype and talk to her on the phone, which makes me ever so happy and I know Evelyn is very happy too she loves being on the computer and seeing the video. I am grateful to share a birthday month with her, it always means 2xs for sure I get to talk to her, on my birthday oct 10, which Evelyn did call me and told me happy birthday and I love you and told me all about her new dance class where she is learning Ballet and Tap and loves every minute of it, and her birthday oct 28th. I look forward to those two days every year and I can’t wait to see that cute little face and tell her I love her oh so very much and visit with Lynzie, she is my friend, one of my best friends and I love our conversations and just being able to enjoy my time with her.

24 days / 27 days

In 24 short days my life changed forever. I gave birth to the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

 

Those 3 days I will cherish forever, as Evelyn's mother. Those 3 days in the hospital I was a mother for the first time. Staring into her eyes, looking back at me, telling me this was meant to be, i know you love me and will forever love me. Those were the 3 hardest days of my life.

Day 1(oct 28th)- I spent loving my daughter, caring for her, feeding her, changing her diapers, rocking her to sleep, holding her, never wanting to let her go, knowing this 100% the right decision. My mother and sister holding her, loving her to. Cherishing those 3 days like I was.

Day 2(oct 29th)- the toughest of the 3 days, I had changed my mind, I wanted to keep her, raise her, didn’t want to let her go, I didn’t like seeing my mother, sister hurting in pain, but I was in pain too, I was struggling. Seeing her birthfather hold her, thinking we can make this work, he will move here, he will be around 100% of the time, he loved me (at least that’s what he said when he held E for the first time). I knew deep in my heart he would never be around for her or I. I have never prayed so hard in my life, trying to find comfort and peace in my decision to place her, I was hurting and if I kept her I would stop hurting, but she wouldn’t have everything she needed, Her birthfather wouldn’t have stuck around, married me, cared for us. I would be a single mother, knowing I could easily do this, but was it the right thing to deprive this special Daughter of Our Heavenly Father both a mother and a father? The Allens could provide her with a safe home, 2 loving parents, a life of adventure and travel, most importantly the GOSPEL, An ETERNAL FAMILY. I prayed so hard with this perfect little girl in my arms, her birthfather asleep on the couch, I stayed up all night, never putting her down for a second. Early in the morning as the sun was rising, I got my answer, Daniel and Lynzie are her parents, this is meant to me, I couldn’t deprive her of the life she was suppose to have. As much as I was hurting inside, as much as I wanted to keep her (so I would stop hurting and those around me wouldn’t hurt) it was no longer about me or them, it was about HER, this special Daughter of Heavenly Father, it was his plan all along. I felt so much peace when the sun rose that last morning at the hospital. The last morning I would be her mother, I would care for her, the last day she would be mine.

Day 3(Oct 30th)- a day filled with peace and love. A day her Grandma Warner and Aunt Laura loved on her and held her with so much love. A day I felt so loved by MY Heavenly father, he knew my pain and what I was going thru, he never left my side. I knew my daddy was right by my side telling me everything would be ok, this was the plan, he loved Evelyn and Evelyn understands the plan. Evelyn loves me and will always love me and understand he said. I left the hospital at 7pm that night after a beautiful placement ceremony, with my family, Daniel and Lynzie, The Allen grandparents and The Greer grandparents. Everyone had left after, taking everything to the car, leaving me and the birthfather alone in the room, cherishing our last few minutes with Evelyn, saying our final goodbye. The nurse came in, I sat in the wheelchair, holding my little perfect angel and they wheeled me out to the car, Daniel was there waiting holding her carseat. We all said our final see you laters ( I would see them in the morning to sign). I kissed her forehead, placed her in the carseat buckled her in ( I knew she was safe) they turned around placed her in the car and drove off. This moment was when I thought I would never be ok again, never recover from this pain. I knew it was still the right decision but it still hurt like no other pain I have felt before.

We all went home that night together, my family and I. I get home and see the box of stuff I had bought for Evelyn realizing I forgot to give it to her parents, the my mom told me Daniel and Grandpa Greer ( Lynzie’s dad) were on their way over to give me a blessing, how sweet I thought, he has a brand new baby, his daughter at home, and he is coming her to make sure I am ok and give me a well needed blessing. They truly do love me and care for me. Daniel showed up gave me and my family blessings, I gave him the box of stuff telling him all the little things about Evelyn I forgot to tell him, how to calm her when crying, her binkie, the little things she did, how often she at, how to feed her and burp her….

Oct 31st- This day was a hard one, the day I signed saying I am no longer her mother, I didn’t sleep at all that night, kept thinking I heard her crying, looking for her in the dark. I showed up to the appointment late and I didn’t think I could go thru with it…. I ran into the agency, Audra (my caseworker) was there waiting, I ran into her arms sobbing, she didn’t think I was going thru with this, I told her I was still going thru it was the right thing I knew it, I had just seen Daniel and Lynzie and all the emotion hit me, they also turned around and was driving away. Audra takes me and my mom and sister into the larger office we all sit down and Audra calls Lynzie to come back to the office that I was okay. Danny is carrying Evelyn in her carseat and places her right in front of me, she was already unbuckled ready for me to pick her up. We all held her for the last time, this day was a peaceful day. When it came to signing I took forever, the secretary kept coming back and finally we just decided to tell Audra when I was fully ready. It was a couple hours we spent together before I signed, that’s a hard thing to do, make that final signature saying you’re no longer her mother. I sat and held Evelyn, telling her I love her, all my hopes and dreams for her, that not a day a second will go by that I don’t think of her. I will always be there for her when she needs me. She will never wonder who her birthmother is and why she made this decision. She will always know how much I love her. She is a blessing in my life. I asked her to tell me if she was ready and to open her eyes and look at me if she was, a few seconds later after I said I love you and kissed her on the forehead she opened her eyes, a sense of peace overwhelmed me, she was ready, I was ready, this was truly the right thing, Heavenly Father was right there with me along with my dad. The room was quiet as I sign that final signature. I gave the paperwork back to Audra and looked down at this perfect little girl. I was happy she was with who she needed to be. I handed her to Lynzie, they are the perfect family, Evelyn fits right in with them. She has so much love.

I am grateful I have an open adoption. To see Evelyn grow up and know who I am, means the world to me. she is the most perfect little girl I have ever seen.

I love you forever and always Evelyn Giselle.